Broken Dreams

“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her” 
~Luke 1:45

Promises.  I’ve had those from God.  I had promises spoken over and to me.  I’ve held on to those promises, looking forward to the day of their fulfillment.  I’ve dreamt over those promises, made plans with them.  But then reality shattered by hope, my optimism, my dreams.

Three words.  That’s all it took.  Firbrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva.  A diagnosis that is supposed to explain away all of the pain my fiancé has been experiencing for years. But the diagnosis holds no cure, no hope for a pain-free life.  How can this diagnosis be a blessing? 

At a time when most engaged couples are making plans for their future, talking about finances, a home, future children, what life will look like when they are old, dreaming dreams of a happily ever after; we are talking about life insurance, wills, parenting plans for his kiddos, our anger at God, at the unfairness of life, questioning our faith until we uncover the roots of what we deeply believe.  How is THIS a blessing?  How is THIS my promise?

I’ve been trying to uncover these truths.  I’ve been railing at God, shouting the hard questions at Him, unafraid for the first time, to ask those dark questions.  This journey is a deep, gut-wrenching, soul-searching one.  And I’m no closer to any answers.  

Maybe Katie Davis Majors in her new book, Daring to Hope,  has said it best for me,

“I was walking blindly into a new season, a place that didn’t line up with my plans and dreams for the coming new year…

And this blessing isn’t always what we think - the happy ending we wanted and the desires of our hearts fulfilled.  Blessed is she who believes His promises.  This blessing is different than blessing as the world sees it.  It isn’t an easy life or one of success.  Blessing is that, as we find ourselves in a place that God has yet to explain, may never explain, a place or a life that doesn’t line up with what we had in mind, He gives us a promise like He gave to Abraham.  It is the promise of Emmanuel, God with us.  He will be here with us, our reward….

Sometimes the blessing is a hard road and an uncertain calling…Sometimes the blessing is in the wrestling because though we are wounded, we ache to see the face of God.”
(p.22-23)

As I sit here and grieve the dreams I had hoped for, for Daniel and I, I am crying out to God to show me who He is to me.  To show me how He is my Rock, my Steadfast One.  Because honestly, I don’t know how to live without Him.  I can be vulnerable and honest with my dark questions.  They don’t scare Him away.  I can tell Him how hurt I am, how I ache for a pain-free life for Daniel, and how tired I am of grieving.  Haven’t I experienced enough this year?  I lost my apartment in a fire, moved to a new state, started a new job at a new grade level, and am planning a wedding.  That’s a lot to take-in in just 5 short months.  And now this?  Grieving the dreams Daniel and I had built and now restructuring them.  It’s all an unknown.  And it’s scary.  So when I scream out to Him, He can handle it.  In this darkness, He is there.  God with me.  With us.

“God sees you and me in our pain and brokenness.  He sees you walking a difficult path when the sun goes down and your life is a far cry from that which you expected or dreamed up.  He sees you when the ending of the story is not the one that you yearned for and your prayers seem unanswered and it all just feels like a bit of a mess.  He wants to name these places, The Lord Will Provide.  When we thought life might be easier, when we thought things might be different, when we thought we might be better, be more, God provides His Son, who meets us and provides grace for our gaps and light in our darkness”.

~Daring to Hope (p.27)

The Lord Will Provide.  When nothing makes sense, when I'm at the end of me, The Lord Will Provide.  As I wrestle with Him, He will not let go, He Will Provide.  Maybe in this wrestling, the blessing is that I see Him, see who He is, and experience His presence with me.  

Maybe, just maybe, the blessing is in my faith and learning to trust Him regardless of the outcome.  That my faith becomes real, solid, unshakable.  

The Lord Will Provide.  And somehow there is a blessing in all of this.  Maybe in my weak faith, I can hold on to Him, the One who Provides, and experience His blessing in all of this. And as Daniel and I navigate through this together, may we trust what He is doing in and through us. 

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