Friday, August 20, 2010

Letters to God

It's probably not a smart move to watch Letters to God, a movie about a boy with brain cancer, while my own grandmother is in the midst of battling brain cancer. And I'd love to give you the really-long-can't-spell-it name of the cancer....but I really can't spell it because it's too long. And now as I am getting ready to go to this amazing coffee shop with a friend tonight, I'm battling with my make-up because it will not cover up the red puffy eyes as a result of my movie selection.

And try as I might, I could not hold back the tears. Now I don't mean one or two glistening tears, I mean full out sobbing because the movie struck my heart. And I cried, and cried...and well...cried. But I know that it is a healing process for me to do so, I'm just not used to it. I've never been one to cry over movies or even cry easily. But as of lately, my heart is much more sensitive and the tears seem to come without much work. Could it be that I just came back from California where I spent some time with my grandmother? Could it be the fact that I also came home with a painting from her, which makes me miss her? Or could it be that God is working in my heart and bringing out past pain to allow healing? Or is it all three?

Whichever it may be, I am learning to not fight it so much but rather to let God use it to draw me closer to Him. It's not easy for me though. I'd love to fight and act strong....but what's the use? I'm not strong unless I can be found in Him. And I know that the hardest part of this battle is yet to come, and I pray that I cling to the One who can comfort and heal in the midst of trial and pain.