Friday, October 21, 2011

Letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma Kay,

As I ponder life this past year, and losing you to cancer, I've thought of your influence in my life. Who knew that 10 years ago when you gifted me with the black leather journal, that my heart would find solace in the pages it held. That my mind would find the space to be calm. That my hand would record mistakes and lessons learned. Or that I would begin to find my identity in Christ. Your simple gift may not have seemed so profound then, but over the last 10 years it has propelled me on a journey closer towards my Savior.

And as I celebrate this first birthday without you, I can't help but ask "Did I show you Christ's love? Did you see Him in me?" And..."do you see me now...are you watching my life unfold as you sit near Him?"

I miss you and long to share my heart with you. But all I have to do is look around and I see the things your hands have crafted for me over the years. And I can look at who I am and see the legacy you've left behind in me. Parts of you are within character, the way I love. I pray that that part of me never dies, that I can pass on those parts of you to my children one day. Thank you Grams for your influence upon my life. I love you and miss you today.

Love Your eldest grandchild,

P.S. A card just arrived when I got home. Grandpa lovingly sent me a card that you had made. Tears have come...I do miss you so very much! And I can still hear you say, just a few days before you passed "Your eyes are sparkling. You are so beautiful". Yes grams...what you hopefully saw was Christ in me...and now may you be seeing Him face-to-face.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Lesson Revisited

I was just teaching this to some kiddos just yesterday. If we are not responsible then we will keep making the same mistakes until we take responsibility of them. Ugh! If only I had listened to what I was teaching. I wrote a post on Car Sickness ('s not entirely about what you might think!) earlier this summer and as I was writing my thoughts out the other day, they seemed vaguely familiar.

Questions. Doubts. Thoughts. All tumble through my mind. Wondering when and where I lost sight of all that's important.

Struggling. Just like Peter, who had the faith to step out of the boat - because his eyes were on Jesus. And who sunk the moment he looked at the sights around him.

I've stopped looking at Jesus and have let others dictate my relationship with Him. Allowed them to measure if my faith was strong. Looked at the world for confirmation that I was doing alright. And as I did, my God-confidence faltered. I have been allowing others to determine my worth and have let their opinions of things to determine my security.

I know how wrong this is. And yet, instead of stopping it, I reverted to my old self and continued until I felt beaten down and broken.

And at the end of this brokenness, there He is. Arms open wide. Waiting with love.

As I settle into His loving embrace and turn my eyes back to THE Prize, peace envelops me. My faith rises and I desire only Him once again.

If I covet any place n earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
~Amy Carmichael